Chapter 69: Hannah

I let out a long, shuddering sigh as I closed the bedroom door, leaning against the cool wood. Goddess, I felt utterly drained—as if all my energy had been sapped away. Which, considering how violently ill I’d been all day, wasn’t far from the truth. I’d been on the go at the orphanage and hadn’t kept down a single bite of food.

Pushing away from the door, I trudged across the plush carpet, longing for a hot bath and my bed. I stopped short, however, catching a glimpse of my reflection in the floor-length mirror.

Turning to face it, I furrowed my brow, studying my appearance. My cheeks looked hollow, my collarbone prominent beneath my blouse. My waist seemed tinier than ever, my hip bones pressing against my skirt.

Had I lost weight again? I hadn’t gained much lately, but… I hadn’t been this thin before.

A rueful smile tugged at my lips as I took in my increasingly slender figure. Despite the harrowing nausea, vomiting, and relentless fatigue—despite needing to get back on track for my baby’s sake—I couldn’t quite extinguish the flicker of pride that ignited within me.

How long had it been since I’d looked this thin? This delicate? This…pretty?

But the self-satisfied smile vanished, replaced by shame and disgust. At myself, at the dark path my thoughts had so easily taken. I knew how unhealthy this was; I’d been here before. It had literally killed me—the obsessive focus on thinness, on controlling my weight and appearance through any means necessary, even destructive ones.

It was a vicious cycle I’d thought—hoped—I’d finally moved past, thanks to a second chance from the Moon Goddess. And yet, here I was again, unable to fully quell the gratification at seeing my body wither.

Better, that little voice echoed. Thinner… Thinner… Need to be thinner…

Feeling suddenly nauseous for a different reason, I tore my gaze from my reflection, focusing on the floor as I crossed to my bed. I sank down, retrieving my phone from my purse, swallowing hard as I did something I knew I shouldn’t.

My hands shook slightly as I navigated to the private channel I used to order my diet pills. A new message awaited from WhiteRabbit, the nameless dealer I’d used for years.

I never knew their real name; only as WhiteRabbit, a private dealer who’d supplied me since a mysterious text arrived years ago: “Want to be skinnier?”

Now, WhiteRabbit was my go-to. Their pills worked well, discreetly and inexpensively.

I stared at the screen, chewing my lip. It would be so easy. A few taps, and a month’s supply could be delivered by the end of the week. I’d done it countless times.

Something twisted in my gut—guilt or temptation, I couldn’t tell. I knew this was wrong, but I couldn’t deny the sick joy at the sight of my hip bones.

Just a few pills wouldn’t hurt, right?

Before I could reconsider, I began typing my message, my teeth digging into my lip. I paused, my thumb hovering over ‘send,’ every muscle tensed as I battled with myself.

This is so wrong, a voice whispered. I had died, accidentally killed my baby, and the Moon Goddess had given me a second chance. I was on the road to recovery.

What would the counselor or the women in my support group think? What would they say if they knew their Luna had relapsed?

But in that moment, none of that mattered. That evil voice, the voice of my eating disorder, was louder. Must be thinner. Must be prettier.

“F***k it,” I whispered, hitting ‘send.’

Suddenly, a knock nearly made me jump. I quickly shut off my phone, feeling as though I’d been caught.

“Hannah?” Noah’s voice called from the hallway, to my surprise and chagrin. “Can I come in?”

I opened my mouth, but no words came. I watched, paralyzed, as the door creaked open, revealing Noah in the doorway. He wore his shoes and jacket, as if about to go out—likely for the night, as he always did.

He blinked at me wordlessly, taking in my startled expression, flushed cheeks, and the phone clutched to my chest. Confusion flickered in his eyes, along with something that might have been concern.

“What are you doing?” he finally asked, stepping forward.

My voice came out strangled. I cleared my throat. Nothing. “What do you want?”

A heavy silence stretched between us. Just when I thought Noah would press the issue, he sighed.

“It’s a nice night out,” he said, glancing at the window.

Furrowing my brow, I followed his gaze; it was, indeed, nice. Despite being January, it hadn’t snowed recently, and only a light breeze stirred the air. It was cold, but not bitterly so. The chill air was refreshing against my hot skin.

Returning my gaze to him, I shrugged. “It is. So?”

Noah paused, opening and closing his mouth as if searching for words. Just as I grew impatient, he cleared his throat and met my gaze.

“I was planning on heading out for a walk,” he said. “Would you like to join me?”

Chapter 70 (continues)